All of a Sudden
by hushedgreylily
Summary: Angsty 'For Better or Worse' post-ep. Predominantly Beckett introspective.


**ALL OF A SUDDEN**

**Angsty 'For Better or Worse' post-ep. Predominantly Beckett introspective. **

**It's been a long time, Castle fandom, but after the finale, I just had to write something!**

**Disclaimer: It all belongs to Andrew Marlowe, though I'm not quite sure what he's doing with them at the moment! **

**Spoilers for everything that's aired.**

You're everything to me, Castle. Dear God, I love you, when I didn't even realise I could love anyone that much. You can't vanish, not like that, not this day. You just can't.

You're everything, but you weren't always everything.

You drove me mad, at first. That look in your eyes when you didn't have any idea who I was, how much trouble you were in, because things like that didn't touch you. And then the mayor reckoned I was going to be alright with having you irritating me from thereon in, and to be honest with you, Castle, I was infuriated.

But you crept around the wall no one had crept around for years. I swear, I didn't even notice you do it… but all of a sudden you were opening my mother's case and I didn't know how to handle that… I didn't want to admit to myself that I could possibly let you that close.

That's how you always did things, Castle, you always crept up on me. All of sudden you were a huge part of my life, and I liked it, however much I complained. All of a sudden you were a permanent fixture, and one that I'd rather not get rid of. I can't even begin to explain how you crept up on me like that, because I don't ever know.

I was somehow _jealous _when Kyra Blaine was there, in your arms, in your heart, and I didn't even admit that for years, but I think that was the first sign of it. And then you were asking me to Hamptons and I wasn't going to go, of course I wasn't going to go, and then Javi said something and… I've never told you this, Castle, but I was about to tell you I was going to take you up on that offer when you showed up with Gina… We had such terrible timing for a very long time.

Jesus, Castle, I've never told you that. What if I never get to tell you that?

There's so much I haven't told you, too. Nothing important, really, though they seemed important at the time. Remember how close we got to something happening in that hotel room in LA, and then I spooked and left the room quickly?

I turned round and walked back into that room, Castle, just as your door was closing. We were so close.

I wrote to you, when I thought they were going to kill me, when I was being Elena Markov, Castle. All of a sudden the thought of dying was so much worse – all of a sudden I could see a future in front of me that I wanted to be part of…

You telling me you loved me as I lay, dying, in the graveyard, that terrified me, Castle. Because as much as somewhere deep down it was exactly what I wanted to hear, I was terrified I wasn't what you needed, I wasn't good enough for you. That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But I was so broken then, as much as you thought I was what you wanted, I was convinced you deserved better. Someone more… solid, I guess.

If you never come back to me now, Rick, I'll be that broken all over again. And I'm never going to be able to figure it out, not again. I'm never going to be anything to anyone else.

But I've only just put Bracken away. I've only just gotten started having all of that in my past… and you stood by me throughout it all, and I understand it must have been near enough impossible. I realise I was nearing crazy at times, I really do.

But you stuck by me, every step of the way. I guess there's something to be said for love being blind, and certainly irrational. Like when all the evidence I'd built my entire career around was telling me all those lies about who you were, what you'd done… I couldn't believe them, despite how ridiculous I seemed, even to myself.

We've always stuck by each other, even long before I realised it, maybe even before you realised it. That can't end.

You can't go. Martha… she acts so independent, so strong, but she needs you. You understand better than me the love you have for a child, but I suppose the grief at losing a child is somewhat like the grief at losing your mother so young… you can't do that to Martha. She'll pretend to be alright, she'll struggle on through, she'll put her everything into holding Alexis together… it'll take everything out of her, Rick. She won't be the same person she once was.

Alexis. God. She's about the age I was when my mother died, Castle, and you know as well as anyone how I've never gotten over that… it changed me, and I've finally closed it, I've finally found out who I am after my mother's murder, but look how long it's taken me. Look how much it's broken me. And I had my Dad, however much of a struggle I had with him and the bottle at the start… she doesn't have another solid parent, Rick, she'll feel on her own. And like I said, Martha'll try everything until she breaks, and I'll be there… but we're not the same. We couldn't ever be her father.

You always said we got through so much together, you always said we overcame everything. And we did, for a while. Bracken, Alexis being kidnapped, that godforsaken freezer – I thought I was going to die in your arms that day, Castle, and all of a sudden it didn't seem so bad – everything with my DC job, and I'll admit it, I was wrong, I wasn't fair to you… You forgive a lot, Castle. You do more for me than anyone would ever ask for, than anyone would ever expect. You infuriatingly came back with a cup of coffee when I was stood on a bomb, for heaven's sake, you wouldn't let me die alone… I didn't tell you enough how grateful I was for that, how stupidly noble it was. I need to tell you that again.

You got down on one knee by that swing, when I thought you were done with me, you surprised me again.

You promised me always.

I'm hoping (praying), but I'm not sure it's still there.

But I'll keep looking until I get an answer, or until the day I die. Because we've both got to fight for always, and maybe, wherever you are, you can't be fighting for always right now. Maybe the weight's completely on my shoulders right now.

I'll find you, or I'll keep fighting.

Always.

FINIS

**That's a wrap! Hope you liked it, taking two minutes to leave a review would be much appreciated **


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